In my readings of some early church writings, I came across a monograph from an unnamed ascetic monk. This monk had a vision of the crucifixion that was very real in his mind, almost as if he was really there. He even said of his vision that it was the most terrifying thing that he had ever seen. He said he prayed for two things right after having the vision. The first thing he prayed for was that he would never have such a vision again and secondly he gave thanks to God that God had not made Him one of the disciples for he was sure that he would have ran away mad after seeing Christ die.