Q: What does the Church think of God the Father?

A: He is omnipotent and holy. He created the world and imposed on mankind conditions impossible to fulfill; he is very angry if these are not carried out. He sometimes interferes in an arbitrary way with judgments and miracles, distributed with a good deal of favoritism. He likes toadies and apple-polishers, and is always ready to jump on anybody who trips up on the fine print or is having a bit of fun. He is rather like a dictator, only larger and more arbitrary.

Q. What does the Church think of God the Son?

A. He is in some way to be identified with Jesus of Nazareth. It was not his fault that the world was made like this, and unlike God the Father, he is friendly to humans and did his best to reconcile us to God. He has a good deal of influence with God, and if you want anything done, it’s best to go to him.

Q. What does the Church think of God the Holy Ghost?

A: I don’t know exactly. He was never seen or heart of until Pentecost. There is a sin against him that damns you forever, but nobody knows what it is.

Q. What is the doctrine of the Trinity?

A. “The Father incomprehensible, the Son incomprehensible, and the whole thing incomprehensible.” Something made up by theologians to make it more difficult - nothing to do with daily life or ethics.

Q: What was Jesus Christ like in real life?

A: He was a good man. He was meek and mild and preached a simple religion of love and pacifism. He had no sense of humor. If we try to live like him God the Father will let us off being damned hereafter and only have us tortured in this life instead.

Q: What does the church think of sex?

A: God made it necessary to the machinery of the world, and tolerates it, provided that parties are (a) married and (b) get no pleasure out of it.

Q: What does the church call sin?

A: Sex (except as noted above); getting drunk; saying “damn;” murder; not going to church; most kinds of amusements. “Original sin” means that everything we enjoy doing is wrong.

Q: What is faith?

A: Resolutely shutting your eyes to scientific fact.

Q: What is the human intellect?

A: A barrier to faith.

Q: What are the 7 cardinal virtues?

A: Respectability, childishness, mental timidity, dullness, sentimentality, self-righteousness and hypocrisy.

Q: Do you want to become one of Jesus’ followers?

A: Not a chance!