On Death and Loss…
He was 50 years old. The cancer was aggressive and relentless. The pain was unmanageable and agonizing. In two months he was gone. I didn't have the opportunity to say good-bye and if I did, what would I say? Could I get the words out? Our last communication, me in Port Perry, him in Newfoundland, was a lament over the fate of the Montreal Canadiens. “The Habs are getting bombed tonight, I wrote in a text. His reply; “I can’t watch. I switched channels to cheer on the Leafs.” We grew up together and as the big brother, I made sure Steve cheered for the right team.
The recent loss of my younger brother, a husband, a father to two beautiful young girls has taken some time to absorb. And it’s served to heighten my senses to the pervasiveness of grief. The weekly obituary page is a fascinating window into the mystery of life and death. Death and dying are everywhere. Grief and loss give no exemptions. Young and old. Sudden and gradual. To love is to know grief. Grief is the price we pay for loving someone.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote her ground-breaking book, “On Death and Dying” in 1969. She identified 5 stages of dying (and grief) as initially denial, followed by anger, then bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. Every stage heart-breaking. Every stage wet with tears. Each individual processing grief in their own way, at their own pace.
Perhaps there are some of us who could use a little support processing our grief. When the burial or cremation is complete, and people return to living their lives, grief lingers. A new normal has begun. Except it feels anything but normal. It feels strange and intrusive. An unwelcome and uninvited something has entered one’s reality. Is there life after loss? That’s the question many ask. It's a question worth talking about. Community and family matter so much at times like this. Some appreciate talking to fellow grief-bearers.