In Blended Families, Almost All Members Have Lost ...

In blended families, almost all members have lost an important primary relationship. The children may mourn the loss of their parent or parents, and the spouses of the loss of their former mates. Because of this, anger is sometimes displaced onto the new step-parent.

• One biological parent lives outside the current family. He or she may either support or interfere with the new family. Power struggles may occur between the absent parent and the custodial parent, and there may be jealousy between the absent parent and the step-parent.

• The relationship between a parent and his or her children predates the relationship between the new partners. Children have often spent considerable time in a single-parent family structure. They have formed close and different bonds with their parent. A new husband or wife may seem to be an interloper interfering in children’s special relationship with their parent. A new stepparent may find that he or she must compete with the children for their parent’s attention.

• Stepparents roles are ill defined. No one knows quite what he or she is supposed to do as a stepparent. Most stepparents try role after role until they find one that fits.

• Many children in stepfamilies are also members of the noncustodial parent’s household. Each home may have different rules and expectations. When conflict arises, children may try to play one household against the other.

• Children in stepfamilies have at least one extra pair of grandparents. Children get a new set of stepgrandparents, but the role these new grandparents are to play is usually not clear.

Les Parrott III, Once Upon a Family: Building a Healthy Home When Your Family Isn’t a Fairy Tale (Kansas City, Missouri: Beacon Hill Press, 1996), 86-87.