This message is one of several teaching messages published in my book, lessons, and encouraging words for Today's Christian woman. It is an important word that I have been led to share with women in church/ministry leadership roles particularly pastors wives. I will be the first to tell you that the work of a pastor's wife can be quite challenging and at times, frustrating. To an extent, I sometimes experience similar challenges as a Christian minister and ministry leader; but it is nothing compared to the pressures they go through. I also empathize with pastors’ wives because the pastors receive training for their jobs (pastoral school, seminary), but where does the pastor's wife go for her training. She is pretty much thrown into the position, and it can be utterly overwhelming.
Every so often, I believe the church expects too much from the wives of pastors, and as a result of this, burn out, depression, feeling isolated or lonely and feeling unappreciated happens. It is important for the pastor's wife to practice self-care and be able to establish a balance between her home, her vocation & the local church. There are many articles out there on pastors' wives and their roles in the church and to their husbands, but today, I want to focus more on the pastor's wife's role in the lives of the female church members.
I have been privileged to serve under a few awesome ministers/pastors and their wives, and at the same time, I have served under others who have turned their congregations upside down as a result of their ungodly attitudes and unwise decisions. I am not here to bring down anyone but instead to help the pastor's wives, and other women leaders ( i.e. elders, deaconess, etc.), in the church, develop a better relationship with their church women (members). I have witnessed too often in local assemblies (especially smaller ones), quarrels that have occurred between members of the church and pastors' wives. It shouldn't be so!
Now the Bible does not address the involvement of the pastor's wife in any ministry. There is nowhere in scripture where it specifies where exactly the pastor's wife should serve.
And so just like any other born-again Christian with spiritual gifts and talents, you serve where you are called and gifted to serve. Having said this, keep in mind that when the Lord calls a man into the ministry, He calls the man and his wife (husband & wife have become one, Mark 10:8, Gen 2:24). When the mantle has been given to a man or woman of God to lead a congregation, they will be responsible for everything that goes on in that church.
And so it is safe to say one of the major responsibilities of the pastor's wife in the church, is to oversee the affairs of the women's ministry amongst other areas. She must have a good rapport with all the female members of the church and this includes the women department or ministry leaders ( depending on church size).
I have a few friends who are pastors' wives, and they come from various cultural backgrounds, denominations, and reside all over the world. Over the years, in conversations, they have shared with me both the good and the "not so good" of serving in that role and they pretty much say the same thing. Based on our discussions, I have put together some of the top qualities they believed have helped them be effective in their church roles.
These qualities can apply to relationships with all members, but as mentioned earlier, my focus is more on the dealings with the women in the church.
1. Apply wisdom - A Pastor's wife must choose her words carefully. In her speech and action, wisdom should be applied, some have driven members out of the church with their mouths. "She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. "Proverbs 31:26, The Bible also tells us to ask for godly wisdom if we desire it. "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. "James 1:5
2. Be Ready & Willing to Serve - A Pastor's wife must be ready and willing to serve others. She must be a woman with a servant's heart working alongside her husband to fulfill the vision and mission of the local assembly and be equipped to handle the challenges of the position.
3. Be Approachable - A pastor's wife must be approachable, make yourself available & welcoming to your members. Do not be standoffish; remember you are a leader, and you never know when a sister needs counseling, a listening ear, or just a smile from you that will go a long way in his or her life that day.
4. Be Real - Be yourself; you do not have to fake it to please anyone. You are human and have issues and weaknesses just like everyone else, so be true to yourself. If you are real with your church members, they will be more relaxed to share their life's issues with you. Some people can smell "fakeness" a mile away. Being one way at home, and another way in the church never works. Eventually, your true self will emerge.
5. Avoid gossip - Never engage in idle talk or share anything negative about a church member or anyone for that matter. Gossip in the church leads to quarreling, division, and much more… You are a role model for other women to emulate after; always remember that. There was this local assembly I was a member of some years ago. The Pastor was such a sweet and humble man. The wife was a lovely person, always willing to help, but she had a big problem "gossip" It was so bad that the women of the church hardly went to her for counseling on personal issues. As a result of this behavior, a number of people left the church after it was obvious the pastor's wife was not willing to change. The congregation also felt the pastor didn't do anything to resolve the issue considering it was his wife.
” To speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people. "Titus 3:2
6. Genuine Love for The Church - A pastor's wife needs to have sincere love for the work of the ministry, which means genuine compassion and a burden for the people entrusted to the care of her husband and the other church leaders. "It is important for the first lady of the church to make out time to visit her members (women) & their families, showing that you truly care about their personal interests. It makes a difference," says one of my pastor's wife friends.
7. Patience - As a pastor's wife, you must be clothed with the fruit of the spirit. Patience is truly a virtue as the saying goes, and if you want to succeed in this role, you have to ask the Holy Spirit for help in this area. As a counselor, my clients include pastors' wives. And so when they come to me lamenting about the 12am incoming phone calls to settle disputes between couples; their husbands having to attend to them on the phone for another 1 or 2 hours or on some occasions, the pastor has to drive to the couple's home at that time of the morning. I remind them that it comes with the territory of being the wife of a pastor and encourage them to remain steadfast, supportive, patient, and also prayerful.
( after all, no one ever said ministry work would be easy.).
8. Be a Woman of Prayer - It is critical to your role as the pastor's wife to develop a lifestyle of prayer; your ministry and your family, especially your husband, needs you to stand in the gap for them. One of my friends, a pastor's wife talks about how she is constantly on her knees interceding for our husband because there are times when he wants to give up. She uplifts and strengthens him with her encouraging words and prayers. “Praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints,” Ephesians 6:18
9. Practice self-care - I cannot emphasize this enough. To avoid burn out, frustration, marital distress, etc. You need to designate time for yourself. Have a spa day by yourself or with friends, go shopping, movies, gym, etc. Scripture does encourage us to take care of ourselves, enjoy good health. "Dear friend, I pray you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well." 3 John 1:2 NIV
10. Avoid being overly familiar – What do I mean by this? One of the things I have observed and also have been shared with me by friends who are “first ladies” is becoming too familiar with church members. This often leads to contempt, disrespect, exposure of personal businesses, etc. Remember we are still human and not all at the same level spiritually. So it's important to be careful whom you invite into your inner circle and who you confide in. Learn to draw the line between being friendly, welcoming, and being overly familiar with your church members.
It is also a wise decision to have close confidants outside your local church, say, old friends, fellow pastors' wives, or women leaders; those who share the same vocation and can relate to what you may be passing through.
11. Be a peacemaker – A Pastor's wife must be fair, impartial in situations, and ready to foster peace and unity always. When it's a situation where your husband, the pastor, or any other family member is involved in a dispute or issue with a male or female church member(s), be careful how you handle the matter so as not to fuel the fire even more. There is a time to be silent and a time to speak. When you do speak, apply wisdom, be fair in your judgment while also supporting your husband at the same time. You should be seen as a woman who keeps the peace; the one that brings people together in the church and your community. "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God." Matthew 5:9
In conclusion, I want to add that every pastor's wife is unique in her way. Her gifts, talents, and skills are all unique and been given to her to fulfill God's plan for her life and the kingdom. But just like any other woman or individual, she is human and faces life's challenges, fears, etc. like the rest of us.
And so it is highly encouraged as women in ministry working alongside your pastor husband to remember to take time for yourself: stay healthy, spend adequate time with loved ones and learn to lean on your support system for help when things get tough.
Pastors wives, you have an extraordinary and challenging ministry and my prayer is that if you can covet these qualities noted above and shared by your fellow pastor's wives, it might just make life in the ministry more rewarding, exciting, and effective for you.
