The idea of the traditional family gets a “bad rap” in today’s society.
I heard of a little girl who had just returned from seeing the movie, “Cinderella.” She was telling her elderly neighbor lady about the movie. At one point she said, “And do you know how the movie ends?” To which the older neighbor replied, “They lived happily ever after?” “No,” said the girl, “they got married!”
That story illustrates society’s attitude toward the traditional family - the idea of one man and one woman married together for life who raise children together. That’s the traditional family. As Christians, we refer to it at the biblical family; and in our passage for today, Paul gives instruction on two relationships within the family: that between husband and wife; and between parent and child. (READ TEXT)
Observation #1: Paul is describing an ideal scenario.
People often look at these verses and ask, “What if the husband wants his wife to commit a crime? Should she still be submissive?” Or “What if the parents ask something of their children that is sinful? Should they still be obedient?” The answer is, “Of course not!” The context for these instructions is found in verse 17:
“And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” - Colossians 3:17 (NIV)
Paul’s describing how husbands and wives, parents and children should relate to one another, as believers who desire to do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus. Therefore, one spouse asking something of the other that’s contrary to what’s right; or parents asking something of children that isn’t right, isn’t what Paul’s addressing. Some impose such imperfect scenarios on passages like this and insist the Bible teaches, for example, that wives or children should live with abuse. That’s twisting the Word of God. Paul’s describing the best case scenario. Which means that what he’s describing is a goal for Christian families to aspire to in our relationships with one another.
Observation #2: Paul is describing an elevated view of the family.
“Under Jewish law a woman was a thing; she was the possession of her husband, just as much as his house or his flocks or his material goods were. She had no legal right whatever. For instance, under Jewish law, a husband could divorce his wife for any cause, while a wife had no rights whatever in the initiation of divorce. In Greek society a respectable woman lived a life of entire seclusion. She never appeared on the streets alone, not even to go marketing. She lived in the women’s apartments and did not join her menfolk even for meals. From her there was demanded a complete servitude and chastity; but her husband could go out as much as he chose, and could enter into as many relationships outside marriage as he liked and incur no stigma. Both under Jewish and under Greek laws and custom, all the privileges belonged to the husband, and all the duties to the wife.” - William Barclay in his commentary on Colossians
The picture of the ideal Christian family given here by Paul is quite different from what was considered “normal” in ancient society. Yet, some, out of ignorance of history do not realize how radical a departure Paul’s instructions for the family here were, and have wrongly called Paul a chauvinist and anti-woman. Nothing could be more untrue.
And as radical as was Christianity’s elevation of the status of women, even more radical was it’s elevation of the status of children.
“Ancient society was organized in concentric circles, with the center circle containing the highest value people, and the people in the outside circles having little-to-no value. At the center was the freeborn, adult male, and others were valued depending on how similar they were to the freeborn, adult male. Such was the lot of foreigners, slaves, women and children. Pagan authors describe children as being more like plants than human beings. And this had concrete consequences. Children were rudely brought up, and very strong beatings were a normal part of education. In Rome, a child’s father had the right to kill him for whatever reason until he came of age. One notorious practice Christianity rebelled against was abandoning unwanted infants. Another was the sexual exploitation of children. This is the world Christianity came into, condemning abortion and infanticide as loudly and as early as it could. Christianity’s invention of children - that children are treasured human beings - was really an outgrowth of its most revolutionary idea: the radical equality, and the infinite value, of every single human being. If the God, who made heaven and Earth chose to reveal himself, not as an emperor, but as a slave punished on the cross, then no one could claim higher dignity than anyone else on the basis of earthly status.” - Pascal-Emmanuel Gobry, in his article, “How Christianity Invented Children.”
With these two observations as a backdrop, let’s now look to our passage to see what Paul says about the Christian and their family.
1. Instruction for wives and husbands - vs. 18-19
A. Wives are to submit to their husbands - v. 18
Nothing could be seen as more offensive in our modern, assertive, rights-affirming, power-seeking culture than this instruction from Paul. But notice that Paul isn’t saying wives are to be servants or slaves to their husbands, he says they’re to submit. In other words, unlike the way wives were treated in the ancient world of Paul’s day, Christian women had a choice, and the choice they should make, Paul says, is to submit to a husband who is loving toward them.
This instruction given to wives is also instructive to the husband. In the ancient world, the wife was the possession of the husband and he could do with her what he pleased. But not so in Christian marriage. The wife is there as a willing partner. Therefore, the husband cannot afford to take her for granted, but must treat her with love and consideration.
Some insist that wives aren’t told to love their husbands in the Bible. But that is not true. In Titus 2:4, we’re told that the older women in the church should teach the younger women how to love their husbands. So wives are to love their husbands in a submissive way. Why? So that they might become the leaders God calls them to be.
Keep in mind that Paul is describing the best case scenario, where the husband is wanting to live as a man of God. With this being the case, the last thing he needs is a wife who does not respect him or encourage him. The wife might indeed be the Bible scholar in the family, but if the husband is willing to lead spiritually, she should let him do so and support him, so he might develop as a godly leader. Godly leaders are not only needed in the family, but in the church and in society.
B. Husbands are to love their wives - v. 19
Paul says men are to relate to their wives lovingly; not harshly, as did husbands in the ancient non-Christian culture. So husbands are told to love their wives in a considerate way. In Ephesians, Paul tells us how husbands are to love their wives.
“Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives.” - Ephesians 5:25-28a (The Message)
In case you haven’t noticed, men and women are different. And we each respond differently and have different roles in marriage. Dr. Walt Larimore and his wife, Barbara, are the authors of the book, “His Brain, Her Brain: How Divinely Designed Differences Can Strengthen Your Marriage.” They make the following observations:
“The husband’s brain is created to respond when the wife respects and trusts him to lead their family. The husband not only needs to hear the wife tell him these things, but he responds dramatically when he hears her telling others these things about him. A wife’s brain is designed to respond to her husband’s love. His job is to be his wife’s mirror - to reflect to her how lovely she is to him and to her Creator. The secret of success when it comes to marital happiness and satisfaction is to accept the plan and assistance of our Creator who designed us, made us and instituted marriage in the first place. God’s divine design - the fascinating interplay of a man’s brain and a woman’s brain loving and respecting each other and becoming one together - is the only design by which a man and a woman can come to a life and marriage that is rich and deeply satisfying.”
2. Instruction for children and parents - vs. 20-21
Children are to obey, and can obey their parents assuming, as Paul is here, that the parents are guiding out of love. Paul counters the method of child-raising in the world of his day by calling on parents (with the Father leading the way) to not embitter their children. What can bring discouragement to a child?
A. Using punishment rather than discipline - What’s the difference?
Punishment’s purpose - to inflict penalty for an offense; its focus - Past misdeeds; its attitude - Hostility and frustration on the part of the parent; the resulting emotion in the child - Fear and guilt.
Discipline’s purpose - To train for correction and maturity; its focus - Future correct acts; its attitude - Love and concern on the part of the parent; its resulting emotion in the child - Security.
B. Inappropriate expectations - either not expecting anything or expecting too much. Instead, encourage them to always be their best.
C. Parents not acting as one - Dad and mom not being in agreement when it comes to parenting, can teach kids to become manipulative and is dangerously confusing.
Conclusion: As we said, Paul is describing the ideal Christian family here, so this is a goal for each of us in our family relationships. The question that comes to mind though is, what if I’ve messed things up?
1. Ask God’s forgiveness.
2. Ask God to help you forgive yourself.
3. Ask God to help you forgive others.
4. As God leads, ask for the forgiveness of your family members.
5. Pray for relational healing.
6. Expect God to answer and partner with Him.
“But you must not forget this one thing, dear friends: A day is like a thousand years to the Lord, and a thousand years is like a day.” - 2 Peter 3:8 (NLT)
