“Family Matters”
Ephesians 6:1 – 4
OPEN: So this morning we are going to be continuing in our study through the book of Ephesians. And this morning we are going to be looking at family matters and God’s pattern for parenting. What one word would you use to describe your mom – your dad? What one word would your kids use to describe you? Do you sometimes ask yourself whether the sacrifices you've made for your family will have any lasting effect? Let me assure you, your life does matter and your family sacrifices do have an impact. Ill - research centered on the lives of two men: Max Juke and Jonathan Edwards. Here's how the men lived and the legacy they left. According to research conducted by Richard L. Dugdale there was a man named Max Juke who lived in American colonial times. Juke was reportedly an atheist who believed in liberation from laws. He allegedly advocated free sex, no formal education and hated imposed responsibilities. Dugdale wrote that Juke was "'a hunter and fisher, a hard drinker, jolly and companionable, averse to steady toil, working hard by spurts and idling by turns.” In other words, Juke was neither principled nor industrious. Some years later, a gentleman named A. E. Winship studied what happened to the descendants of colonial era evangelist, Jonathan Edwards. Edwards was everything Juke was not: hardworking, God-fearing and Bible believing. Edwards “was a godly minister who was credited with igniting The Great Awakening through his sermons.” He served for a brief period just before his death as president of what is now known as Princeton University. He believed in leading by example. Certainly Juke and Edwards had an impact on their immediate families, but what about the generations to follow? Here's what happened in the years after Juke and Edwards died:
Of 1026 descendants of Max Juke, 310 died as paupers, 300 were convicts, 27 were murderers, 190 were prostitutes and 509 had wrecked their lives living as either alcoholics or drug addicts.. 60 were habitual thieves, 20 became tradesmen – 10 of them learning their trade while in prison. Dugdale was able to estimate that the Jukes had cost the State of New York almost $1.4 million dollars to house, institutionalize and treat the family of deviants.(those are dollars in 1877) By contrast, the 929 descendents of Jonathan Edwards included 13 college presidents, 86 college professors, 430 ministers, 314 war veterans, 75 authors, 100 lawyers, 30 judges, 66 physicians, and 80 holders of public office, including three U.S. Senators, sevencongressman, mayors of three large cities, governors of three states, a Vice-President of the United States, and a controller of the United States Treasury.
Don’t ever underestimate the impact you are having on your family and thereby on our world.
Ill of having a 74 year old in my office. I was actually talking about purchasing a piece of property from him. Somehow we got onto the topic of talking about his father. He just started weeping over the pain that he carried within him because of the negative experiences he had gone through with his dad. His father was long dead, but he still carried the pain of never receiving his approval and the relationship he had always longed for from his dad. He was 74 years old! Many of you sitting here this morning can probably relate to that yourselves. Your dad may still be living or he may be gone – but there are few people who don’t long for the approval of their father and a relationship with him. The same is true of course when it comes to mom. I know people who remained embittered during their entire life because of the way the mom treated - or in most cases because of the lack of they intuitively knew their mom should have been towards them. And likewise, I know people who have been impacted in a very positive way because of the very special relationship they had with their mom. And even though they face difficult trials and disappointments in life, they always would still fall back to that one relationship with the one person they knew they could count on – their mom. The character of parents has lasting influence on their children
We’ve looked at the distinctiveness of the marriage relationship as God designed it and as it normally appears in the world. God’s pattern for marriage is vastly different than that which we see around us. As God's redeemed people we are called to be unique, we are called to be different.
We are called to be distinct.
We are called to be separate from the world. In fact, the whole epistle of Ephesians points to the reality that we are not to live as the rest of the world lives. We live in light not darkness. We live in wisdom not foolishness. We walk in the Spirit not the flesh. And we are unique then because we have the knowledge of God, we have the Word of God, we have the Spirit of God and God has called us to live in unique and distinctive ways.
- that extends even to our relationships in the family. We don't conduct relationships in the family the way unregenerate people do, the way the world does. We have a completely different plan and pattern.
In Leviticus chapter 18 when God established the standard of behavior for Israel, He pointed out this reality of uniqueness. This is what He said,
The LORD said to Moses, “Speak to the Israelites and say to them: ‘I am the LORD your God. You must not do as they do in Egypt, where you used to live, and you must not do as they do in the land of Canaan, where I am bringing you. Do not follow their practices. You must obey my laws and be careful to follow my decrees. I am the LORD your God. Keep my decrees and laws, for the man who obeys them will live by them. I am the LORD.’” (Lev. 18:1-5)
In other words, you're different. You don't do life the way the world does. You don't conduct your lives or your relationships the way the world does.
A call to be different. A call to distinctiveness. And God has maintained this desire for his people through all time. We are separate. The standards, the principles, the statutes, the commandments by which we conduct our lives before God in the family and before the world are unique. We are separate. We are to have an undefiled uniqueness. We are to follow principles which are not in any sense assisted by human wisdom, nor are they refined or defined by human wisdom. We are not to succumb to the pressure of the world. We are not to listen to the world's diagnoses of what might be wrong with people or marriages or families. We are to turn to the Word of God. We are to live distinctively.
And God is not saying anything different today. He's still saying, “Do It My Way.” Particularly when it comes to the family. We've already found out that the pattern for husbands is completely distinct from the world, the pattern for wives completely distinct from the world, the pattern for children in response to their parents is distinct and so is that for parents in regard to their children. This is not the message of secular psychology. This is not the message of conventional wisdom. This is not the message of political correctness. This is the Word of God.
Understanding the Mission: If we are going to be successful as parents, we need to be sure about our mission as parents. That might sound pedantic, but it’s not really. For most of us our starting point in parenting is what? It’s what we had done to us. That’s at least our starting point. What ever our parents did – however they went about parenting us – that’s our default setting. Now in some cases that’s great and in other cases it’s not a very good starting point. So our first task is knowing and understanding our mission.
Let’s Start With What It Isn’t: There’s a black and white component that needs to be in place
– everything else needs to be subordinate to this. If we have one mission – then that means a lot of other things are not the mission. Doesn’t mean that other things are not part of it but we need to know the mission.
* It’s not to develop their gifts nor make sure they live up to their potential. What ever that means - What does living up to their potential mean? The most prestigious career? The most money? Listen to parents talk about their kids – what do they say? – They talk about their income and jobs and accomplishments. Do they talk about kindness? – character? Integrity? What does it often take to be number 1? Obsession. Ill of best soccer player – if the kid is obsessed with an issue and it causes them to be the best – is that what we really want to brag about? (it makes us feels good about our child) good in sports – business, whatever – it really is about us not our kids. Ill of people talking about their kids as being gifted – Let’s get honest about it – 99% of our children are not gifted. Most of the stuff that we focus on is not what they are going to do when they grow up – and you really wouldn’t want it to be. I’m not saying that we don’t encourage our children to explore their interests – but don’t confuse this with the mission of parenting.
* It’s not to produce clones of ourselves We are all prejudicial towards ourselves. Think of the number of time you’ve told your kids, even if you’re from the most dysfunctional family in the universe – you refer to what you went through when you were a kid and you give them some marvelous teaching about life. Has there ever been a parent that didn’t talk to their kid about how far they had to walk to school when they were a child? There’s just this natural default towards my own experience. As if what I went though is the standard –
* It’s not to guarantee gainful employment nor financial security That was our parent’s mission – and understandably. “Make sure you have a good job” That’s what we were taught –does it have bearing on preparing them for life? Absolutely – but that’s not our main mission.
* It’s not to expose them to every possible life experience This is the ADD approach to parenting. “If there’s something happening, our kids have to be exposed to it.” The soccer mom in overdrive going from place to place. It’s not our mission and you’re not going to accomplish it anyways.
* It’s not to assure that your relational and/or care-taking needs are met This is a subtle one – but some people have children to make up for a bad marriage. Some have children so that they have some relationship which takes the place of some other unsatisfying relationship.
Can You Think of Others? * Reproducing in your children what you missed as a child * Protecting your children from dangers in the world. All good things. All part of the mission. But none of them are the mission.
What It Is: Ill. of mission impossible: “Good morning, Mr. Phelps. Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is this:”
* to prepare your children for life, for eternal life.*
These are the commands, decrees and laws the LORD your God directed me to teach you to observe in the land that you are crossing the Jordan to possess, 2 so that you, your children and their children after them may fear the LORD your God as long as you live by keeping all his decrees and commands that I give you, and so that you may enjoy long life. (Deut. 6:1-2)
Psalm 78:1-8 “O my people, hear my teaching; listen to the words of my mouth. I will open my mouth in parables, I will utter hidden things, things from of old- what we have heard and known, what our fathers have told us. We will not hide them from their children; we will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the LORD, his power, and the wonders he has done. He decreed statutes for Jacob and established the law in Israel, which he commanded our forefathers to teach their children, so the next generation would know them, even the children yet to be born, and they in turn would tell their children. Then they would put their trust in God and would not forget his deeds but would keep his commands. It goes on to say: - They would not be like their forefathers— a stubborn and rebellious generation, whose hearts were not loyal to God, whose spirits were not faithful to him.
There is a lot of stuff we’re worrying about that is going to take care of itself. messy rooms -what they eat or don’t eat – a bad grade in a particular topic –the way you load a dishwasher - a lot of this stuff ends up stemming from our own personal preferences.
We’ve got to learn to separate the major issues from the minor issues. Not just not a matter of duration – the wicked will live for eternity. Eternal life is a matter of quality. Don’t get so distracted with the minutia of life that you miss what really important. Ill of guy who has to have the lawn mowed a particular way – was absolutely lousy in relationships – but had a great looking lawn. Do you think Jesus fused with the disciples over the way they prepared meals? His concentration was preparing them for eternal life – understanding the gospel – living for the gospel – being right with God. He taught life. When you get caught up in only focusing on the minor issues – you’re telling them what life really is.
Three Great Obstacles Children Face from the moment they enter into the world.
Their own sinful nature.
The corruption of the world.
Parents who don’t know how to raise children.
Now admittedly, teaching children to obey and honor their parents is not easy and it's not simple. At least it didn't prove to be so with my children. And it's not proving to be so with my grandchildren. Let me tell you why it's difficult, for the very same reasons that it's difficult for a wife to submit and it's difficult for a husband to be a loving servant-leader. They are little, selfish, self-centered, rebellious reprobates. Cute, cuddly - yes but reprobate. Ill of McDonalds. Every kid who has a dad knows you need to keep your eyes on your fries. I reached over to snitch a couple from my daughter - “Mine! No!” I thought, “Wait a minute here, don’t you know I bought you those fries? Don’t you know where those fries come from?” (exactly what we do when we refuse to be givers towards God) But the point is who taught her that? No one – we are born knowing how to disobey – how to be defiant. They don't come into the world seeking God and righteousness. They come into the world seeking the fulfillment of their desires
Not only that but they live in a world which is designed to remove God from their life. They are plunged into an environment which is designed to remove God from their lives. There’s not Creator – you can’t trust and rely on the Word of God – there’s no absolute moral law. Make your own decisions – live the way you want to live – whatever you want for you is right for you – everything is purely a lifestyle choice. Ill - two hour series which showed on PBS that was on the seven deadly sins and they interviewed contemporary figures about the seven deadly sins and they basically denied them all. Totally reversing everything. In fact, one rock singer was asked if he thought lust was a sin and he said...lust, a sin, are you kidding? That's what I get into this business for, to lust after little girls. They asked another person if they thought pride was a sin, another of the deadly sins listed by medieval monks, and they said, “Pride, a sin? The problem with our society is we don't have enough pride.” Everything twisted, everything perverted. They asked another, “Is greed a sin?” “Greed a sin? That's what makes us rich.” Everything perverted. That’s the world our kids are living in and the kind of obstacles they face.
– The third great obstacle is parents who haven’t got a clue on how to raise their kids. Now it doesn’t get any more basic than this. But it is a concept that many are missing today.
Folks, God Intended For YOU To Raise Your Children! Not someone else…Not the coach, not the nanny, not the school teacher, not the Sunday School teacher – but you! All these influences are helpers for you as you raise your kids and you should take advantage of them. But kids need you to raise them, not just to watch them grow. Kids need you to be parents – not their best friends. Kids need you to do more than feed them, fund them, chauffeur them around and watch them grow. What your kids need most is you! By God’s grace you can step into their lives and RAISE THEM instead of just watching them grow up while you shuttle them from one sporting event to another. If the only time you see your kids is in the rear-view mirror while you drive them to another activity then something’s out of whack. You’ve got your priorities out of line and you’ve bought into the LIE that the quality of a child’slife can be measured by the fullness his schedule… the labels on his clothes… and the stuff in her room.
Listen to me - We’re reaping the results of a generation of kids that have GROWN up but were not BROUGHT UP. There’s the internal pressure – coming from the sin nature. There is external pressure coming from the world our children live in. And there is the lack of any pressure coming from parents who are not raising their children, but simply watching them grow. The biggest problem we face with children today is not what people are doing to children – it is what people are not doing with them. It's not what somebody did to them, it's what somebody didn't do to them. In accomplishing the Mission everyone has a responsibility:
God Has A Responsibility:
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. (Eze. 36:26-27)
Our part is very simple - teach the Word of God to your children. But even if we teach our children the Word of God –we can’t change the heart. But God can and God longs to do that. God longs to give them a heart for His commandments, a heart for His Word. God longs to call them to Himself and so he instructs parents - teach your children the patterns by which they need to live. Present His Word to your children. God says he will do his part – but mom and dad you need to do your part. There's really no hope for the family politically. As much as I would agree with the emphasis and the moral thrust of the Religious Right, as they are called, I understand that politics cannot bring back the order of the family. Politics cannot bring back righteousness in the home. That is a spiritual issue. It can't be done through politics. It can't be done through education. Educators are working very, very hard to try to achieve that apart from the spiritual dynamic of a transforming revolution in the heart wrought by the Spirit of God through faith in Christ. They are endeavoring to educate children somehow back to some level of morality, the standard for which they can't agree on. So you have those who are aggressively politically attempting to do that, some doing it educationally and neither succeeding.
There's only one way to bring the family back to where it needs to be and that is to make the decision that Joshua made, and that is to choose for your house that you will above all other things and first and foremost, serve the Lord. And that means obeying His Word in every aspect of your life. It's as simple as saying we choose God's way as over against the world's way in the matter of our family. And it starts at that point. You have to make that commitment, then begin to follow it up
The Children Have a Responsibility:
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” - which is the first commandment with a promise – “that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
We have to be taught how to obey. “obey” is hupakouo, akouo has to do with hearing, hupa, under--to get under and listen. Children have a natural resistance to obey. All parents have faced this in their child. The sinful nature is rebellious toward authority and intent on fulfilling its own desires without consideration for other people. Notice this verse says there are two things we must teach them. We must teach them to obey their parents and we must teach them to honor their parents
Children are called to obedience = submission. Obedience has to do with outward behavior. Children are called to honor their parents = show respect. Honor has to deal with inner attitudes. Obedience is the focus when they are young. Developing respect is the focus as they grow older. It’s not only obedience on the outside, but obedience based on respect and reverence and honor - not a bitter obedience, not an unwilling resentful or fearful obedience, but a loving, respectful obedience.
Put those two things together and what do you get? Self-control.
If your kids don’t learn self-control, they are on the way to a train wreck -probably several train wrecks in their life. You see what you’re teaching them is how to have a healthy relationship. And if they can’t do that with their parents, their not going to do it with anyone else in their lives. – But more importantly you are teaching them how to have a relationship with God. the child's relationship with God is mediated through the parents. That's how God designed it. The child will eventually grow away from the parents and come to a direct relationship with God through Christ. But while that little child is small, their relationship to God comes through us. When a child disobeys his parents, he is, for all intents and purposes, disobeying God.
- What you are really showing them is the way to blessing – “All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the LORD your God…” “However, if you do not obey the LORD your God and do not carefully follow all his commands and decrees I am giving you today, all these curses will come upon you and overtake you…” (Deut. 28:1,15)
this is the heart of all relationships. This is at the core of the family. This is at the core of the family, therefore it is at the core of the church, therefore it is at the core of the society...both of which are made up of families. A generation of undisciplined, disrespectful, rebellious, disobedient children will destroy families, churches, nations. Why does Paul remind us that the command to honor your parents and obey your parents is the first commandment with a promise? He’s referring to the fifth commandment – the first 4 deal with one’s relationship to God – the first commandment that deal with human relationships is the obey your parents- so that you may live long in the land the Lord is giving to you. If you want a culture or a society to flourish – you have to start with the heart of the child. If you want the society you live in to self-destruct just ignore disciplining your children. Just ignore teaching them to obey and respect others and practice self-control. And that is what we are seeing to some large degree today. “That it may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth.” This is tremendous. Two things it says. There will be a quality of life and a quantity of life. quality of life...full, rich, joyous, happy, peaceful, rewarding life, a general qualitative blessedness. Quantity of life = what does that mean? Y your life will be cut short as lives are cut short by sin, disobedience. You'll live the full life God planned.
The Parents Have a Responsibility:
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. (Eph. 6:4)
You have a negative and a positive. The negative--do not provoke your children to anger, obviously means treat them with love, treat them in a way that affirms your affection to them so they don't become hostile. The positive--bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. What is parenting? Very simple, really, loving your children so that they're not angry with you and bringing them up to know the Lord. You might think there would be a whole book on parenting, or there might be a whole chapter on it, but there's just one verse
Look at the negative side of if – do not exasperate your children KJV = “Do not provoke your children to wrath” – do not make them angry. the world recognizes this disaster. And the world says, "What are we going to do? We've got this tremendous problem with these children, they're out of control. They're angry, aren't they? Boy, we have an angry generation. Listen to their music. Look at their films. Vengeance, anger, brutality, hostility." And who are they most angry with? Their parents who have frustrated them, the very thing that Ephesians 6:4 says don't do and made them bitter and angry. It's not what you do to your children that makes them go astray, it's what you don't do largely. Parents who don’t provide the A.B.C.’s Affection, Boundaries, Counsequences. We’re raising a generation of kids who do not know God. Ill of listening to Doctor here from England – only 3 % of people in Britain even darken the door of a church. In 15-20 years the Muslims will be control of the country. Don’t think it won’t happen here– it is happening all around us.
Look at the positive side of the verse: The first word is Training (Paedia) = to train by discipline or by act. It is teaching with some kick to it. This part of the process refers more to the discipline and correction that is needed most in the younger years. - providing boundaries / rules for your child / restraining your child – and teaching them that they can’t always have WHAT they want WHEN they want it. In this case Mick Jagger got it right… and we need to sing that Rolling Stones song to our young children “You can’t always get what you want…” Parents – they don’t need you to give them everything they want. They need you to train them and restrain them so that they learn to regulate their own behavior. The Bible calls it SELF-CONTROL – and says a man without self-control is like a city with it’s wall torn down.
The second word is Admonition (Noutheteo) = Nous (mind) + Tithemi (to put) = to train by word. - To come alongside your child, to see the specific need or struggle they’re facing at that moment, to use the Word of God to help the person change. It is training by word – either by encouragement or reproof.
Now let me show you what this should look like as you raise your kids… In the younger years you should be doing more ‘training’ or ‘disciplining’ – correcting and spanking and setting boundaries to build self-control into your child - But as they get older you start doing more ‘admonishing’ or exhortation – you’re talking to them and giving them the ‘Why’ behind the ‘What.’
Make sure you don’t reverse this process. - Now right here’s where so many parents get it wrong. They’ve got the percentages backwards. They try to talk their little ones to death instead of disciplining and training and then when they reach the teens years and are out of control because they haven’t been restrained they step in and try to bring on heavy discipline and strict boundaries and it backfires.
CLOSE: Lead your child to the transforming grace of Jesus Christ. Just recognize that your children are a miniature version of you. What is it that you need more than anything else in this world? You need his grace. What is it that your children need more of anything else in this world? They to know of the transforming grace of Jesus and how it applies to their life.
Close – ask parents to stand for prayer.
